Alone for the Holidays...Again
But after 11 years of being single – and tired of feeling sad about it – I’m shaking shit up and taking a different approach to how I'm spending this holiday season...and beyond.
Last month marked 11 years of being single.
Eleven years without a partner.
Eleven Christmases without someone to kiss under the mistletoe, cuddle with next to a cozy fire or decorate the tree with.
Eleven years of being alone for the holidays.
I’m generally pretty happy and content with life on my own, but every time the holidays come around I feel the loneliness with such crushing intensity that it makes it hard to fully enjoy the merriment of the season.
I hate that.
That I’m alone, yes, but more so that I let it dampen my holiday spirit and steal my joy.
So this year, I decided to do something about it.
Rather than sulk at home, eating my weight in gluten free chocolate chip cookies while watching Christmas movies that will inevitably make me more sad (serving as a reminder of what I don’t have), I’m going out and disrupting my seasonal depression by doing things that excite and delight me.
Is it a form of distraction? Yes, absolutely.
But I can’t keep feeling sad or helpless over the fact that I’m still single, all these years later, or that my life hasn’t turned out at all how I’d pictured it – having a partner and family of my own to celebrate with.
So instead, I’m kicking off my DIY kitchen remodel – first up is painting my cabinets – I’m doing ALL the festive things with friends and coworkers, I’m decorating my own goddamn tree and I’m going skydiving (something I’ve wanted to do for YEARS)...just don’t tell my mom!
I also just booked my first full triathlon – another bucket list item – and I’m very excited (and slightly terrified) to challenge myself in that way next year. If you didn’t know this about me, I’m a terrible swimmer, so this’ll be interesting…
And then there’s this – finally launching my Substack publication, How’d I End Up Here, after weeks and weeks of writing and tweaking, then dragging my feet for fear that know one will want to read it.
Basically, I’m doing my darndest to focus on the many positives of my life, choosing to be present and grateful for what I have, rather than continuing to dwell on the past or fret over the future. Not an easy thing to do, especially for this overthinking Virgo, but this quote by author Elizabeth Gilbert recently struck a chord and strengthened my resolve:
“I've never seen any life transformation that didn't begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.”
And that’s where I’m at – tired of my own bullshit and done feeling sad over what I don’t have and letting my life and joy pass me by in the process.
The reality is we spend more time in between life’s big moments than actually in them and it’s those moments in between that make up the messy, magical, memorable times of our lives – the ones we’re more likely to look back on in the end, especially if we wished we’d done things differently.
Maybe it’s because I’m 40 and knocking on midlife’s door, but after a particularly ugly ugly cry a few weeks ago, it hit me how much time I’ve wasted feeling sad or envying what others have, instead of taking this life I’ve been given – the one without a partner or kids – and doing something with it. Something fun, adventurous, daring, meaningful and bold.
So I’m shaking shit up and doing things differently. Not to pass the time, but rather to make the most of it.
And that’s what I hope for you, my friend – that no matter where you’re at in life, you’re able to find joy just as you are and make the most of this season, too.
Cheers and happy holidays!
xx
Sadye